The Cancer Journey : Sowing in Tears

Reposted from denisetam.webs.com June 1, 2012 Im sorry this update has come so late....

It was as if I swallowed a balloon that refused to pop. This was a new definition for 'bloated'.  A simple sip of water made me want to throw up and eating was really out of thequestion - causing more pain than comfort, my body's natural response to goodfood.

For several weeks I had the opportunity to experience a taste of what the elderly go through each night when their bladder wakes them up for a routine stumble to the bathroom.

I knew there was something wrong.

I'm at the age whereI should still be using an alarm clock, not my bladder, to wake me up. And my love relationship with good food has always been stable and unfaltering that losing my appetite (without any emotional stress to explain it) just didn't sit well.

Off I went to the doctors. In my last blog entry I suspected a storm was brewing and my instincts just told me this was it. I braced myself for bad news and bad news it was. The lymph nodes are swelling and are putting pressure on my internal organs. This explains my nightly visits to the loo.

That day was a blur. Doctor visits after doctor visits=information overload. One oncologist recommended target therapy and then staying on a milder drug for 3 years. This was the oncologist that told me towait it out but now that it's affecting my quality of life, he suggested treatment.

Slight digression: I later went home to do research on the drug and found out that I had actually had that drug administered to me duringmy first chemo! I just didn’t realize it as it was under a different name >< (not a good sign!)

Somehow that day I had also planned to go see a TCM doctor(Dr Ma – aka Kim Jong II coined by Michelle, Ka and I more so to hear what he had to say and to accompany my dad who wanted to try something new for his heart condition. I didn't want to include any more new treatments into my plan,so my intention was only to go and listen. Whether it was God telling me to stick to natural treatments or just my own desires of wanting to believe in this TCM doctor, we ended the day with a lot of hope.

Dr Ma’s (very interesting) assessment:

- my neck is out of line (known from an X-ray) and socirculation isn't flowing properly

- he essentially said it was stopping at my neck and verylittle blood flow was getting to my head

- he claims the cancer to be stemmed from a flu/cold thatwasn't properly cured and so it began compromising my immune system and it allwent downhill from there

His treatment:

- what he calls a 'flushing out' of the toxins

- after the flushing process he begins supporting my immunesystem to fight the cancer cells

My response:

- the bloated-ness was somewhat relieved

- appetite returned

- no longer waking up in the middle of the night

- 'passing' easier

In the past week however I've been feeling bloated again inmy stomach and legs. Sometimes my legs get so 'tight'/bloated that it hurts towalk. I've been back to see Dr Ma (the TCM doctor) several times and he's been adjusting the doses, herbs etc as we go along.

Results of this sort are always difficult to swallow. This was different than the other times as now physical pain and discomfort accompany each day making it harder to ignore the current circumstances.

During this time I also struggled with forgiveness and othermatters of the heart, but I was blessed with certain friends who spoke wisdom into me and I was able to turn mourning into dancing and I can confidently say that I'm now in a good place.

Instead of sulking or asking for things to change, God convicted me to continue praising and living for Him and gave me Psalms 126:5 'thosewho sow in tears will reap with songs of joy'.

And so that is what I did. I chose to invest into others'lives- a great way to forget about your own circumstances by the way, andthrough this process God has certainly restored joy and peace into my life.

I've always took a liking to the prayer of St Francis of Assisi so I will close with that and hope you can be inspired as well.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace, 

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; 

to be understood as to understand; 

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive; 

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; 

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.