The Cancer Journey : A Battle of the Heart & Mind

Reposted from denisetam.webs.com December 4, 2011

Last Wednesday morning I went for my PET-CT scan; the first after my second diagnosis in May. It was fairly routine. I thought I would be able to use my port but was told that I would need to wait for a minimum of 30 minutes for the 'port specialist' from the oncology department and so a nurse coerced me into allowing her to poke around for a vein with a needle which she had thankfully found upon first try. The hospital was able to have the results faxed to my doctor as early as 6pm that evening. I debated calling my doctor asking her to relate the message to me over the phone but I was hesitant, not wanting my 'vacation' to end should it be bad news. It was only later that I realized that Wednesdays are her day off and so I would just need to wait until the Thursday morning when I would go in for my regular IVC drip to find out the results.

Thursday morning came and I stepped into Dr Cindy Chan's office holding my breath but was told that she still had not received the fax yet. We went about our usual routine and started my drip. I was able to fall asleep for a bit and was woken up by the nurse who came in to check up on me and the drip. I was told the fax had come in and Dr Chan would see me as soon as my drip had finished. I watched each drop fall for a good while wondering what the results were and finally gave up worrying and started reading. After the bottle of VitC is finished, it is typically followed by glutathione but this time I was called in to see Dr Chan early. Results had come back showing the cancer has grown and has spread. Our protocol wasn't working and she wanted to take out the glutathione as it was never in the 'traditional' treatment but she had added it in thinking it would be good for my liver. To give you more details, the existing cancer in my left abdomen and pelvic had increased in size. Moreover, it has spread to the lymph nodes in my underarm and neck. Oddly enough, the node in my right abdomen had decreased in size and was not as 'active' in the scan (the scan also measures the UV intake of the cancer cells; the stronger it is, the more active the cancer cells are). Several options were presented to us: 1. continue with IVC but up the dose to 75g. Cancer patients in Canada and the States are getting between 75-150g. Dr Chan has added ALA (Alpha Lipoic Acid) which has proven to double the efficacy of VitC in the body which is part of the reason why she kept me at 50g. 2. try another natural treatment using a supplement that contains something called PPARy (Peroxisome Proliferator-Activated Receptor y), an anticancer target therapy 3. go off of VitC and take a supplement called Artemisia. One of her lymphoma patients is taking this and has had good results. Option 2 is expensive to add on top of VitC which is already about $3000 per time and we don't know enough about option 2 to scrap the IVC idea. And option 3 is simply not very convincing. So by default we've picked option 1. All options are under a one month term in which at the end of the term I will be going for another CT scan and if things have progressed or are not improving, we will move forward with chemotherapy. It hasn't been easy for me. It's actually been extremely difficult. I'm mentally and emotionally tired from the fight and from the emotional roller coasters these past two years. I'm a believer in being positive but it's hard to take my own advice even though I know it's what I need to do. I know God has plans, I know they're good, I know I need to trust in Him, I know that everything will be okay, I know I still have a lot to be thankful for, I know I have the support of friends and family...I know all these things...but somehow I feel that knowing these things just isn't enough. So currently it's not just a physical battle, but a battle between what I know (and still believe) and what I feel. I clearly remember a sermon Pastor Brett had preached just a few weeks ago where he reminded us to remember in the darkness what we learned and know to be truth in the light. I also know though that I need my time to 'grieve' so I will allow myself this time and try to eventually get myself out of it and focus on my healing. For now, I will need some prayers on my behalf as it also hasn't been easy talking to God. Much Love and Thanks in advance. Denise