The Cancer Journey: Cancer for Dummies: Rule #1 Live by the Hour
Reposted from denisetam.webs.com January 15, 2010
Those who know me well, know that I'm a planner. I 'plan to plan', says my friend Beccy, and I have every detail of my day and sometimes week spelt out.
This past week has been a little rough. After having an energy filled weekend of fun and good food, I woke up Monday morning to fatigue, Tuesday and Wednesday morning to a brutal headache, Thursday morning to a packed day of doctor visits and no sleep the night before and Friday morning to a bad cough.
It was difficult to cope with because I didn't expect it. I expected my week to be like my weekend, so I scheduled lunches and tea with friends, told myself I could get some work done at home and looked forward to a quick recovery from my first chemo treatment. To say the least, my week has looked and felt nothing like what I imagined. In fact, emotionally and mentally it's been tougher since this 'low' after a "high" was unforeseen in my scheduled forecast.
I've learned that I can no longer plan my days, let alone weeks and that I just have to take each day or hour as it comes along. Expecting nothing, but be prepared for the rain. It's been a little hard not to plan as it's in my nature to, but at the same time it's also been a little bit liberating. Going to bed not knowing whether I will wake up wanting to just stare at my wall and feel sorry for myself or go out and mingle with the rest of the world has highlighted to me how our lives are completely out of our control. (I don't even know whether I will actually sleep when I go to bed at night!)
This week has been a lesson from God, teaching me to
1) stop planning my life out, because He has bigger and greater plans for me
2) let go and just go with the flow (literally)
3) to work on allowing God to take control of my life and giving up my worries to Him
4) enjoy each day/hour
5) to savor each moment i'm feeling good
Thursday I went for my blood test and my first consultation with Prof Liang since chemo on the 5th.
White Blood Count (WBC): dropped to 1.70 from 16.97 (which is a high) on the 5th
Ref Range: 4.40-10.10
Neutrophil: dropped to 1.10 from 7.94 (again high) on the 5th
Ref Range: 2.2-6.7
lost 4kg since the 5th (not complaining =) , but hope I don't lose TOO much weight!)
Prof Liang's remarks:
~ my lymph nodes in my neck have shrunken significantly in size (chemo's working! YAY! it better!)
~ the WBC was expected to drop
~ if my Neutrophil drops to 0.50 it is very dangerous and will need to receive an injection to increase my WBC
~ I will be returning for another blood test next Thursday to monitor the WBC and to determine when my next treatment will be
~ my WBC is expected to drop some more throughout the week (WBC is lowest two weeks after chemo; thus, next Tuesday, the 19th)
~ told me to take no risks
How I'm feeling:
~ constantly tired (i can't sleep at night, partly due to cough and partly due to ??, I've been extremely sensitive to light and sound)
~ paranoid, scared of being infected, of my cough turning into a bad infection
~ a little down, but working on staying positive and rolling with the punches
~ excited to see two of my really good friends this weekend (one just flew in from Australia, the other will fly in tomorrow from Beijing)
~ thankful for friends and family that are constantly reaching out to me and my family
~ grateful for the love that surrounds me everyday, from God, from family, from friends in HK, from friends abroad
~ my belief in prayer (1. it's so powerful 2. it's such a great source of comfort to pour my heart out to a God that understand every pain and discomfort in my body and soul)
~ that I'm still fairly healthy, at least healthy enough to go for alternative therapies that can support my immune system
~ that i have a stellar appetite!
~ that I will stay positive
~ for my cough to go away, that it won't turn into anything serious
~ protection from infection and other diseases
~ SLEEP! i'm in MUCH need of sleep!
~ that my Neutrophil won't drop below 0.50
~ that I will allow God to take control of my life
~ family's health (there's been a stomach bug going around in my family)
~ that I can have daily and natural bowel movements! (since chemo I've had to rely on Vit C powder to flush out my system, it REALLY works btw!)