The Cancer Journey: Indecisive Me

Reposted from denisetam.webs.com August 3, 2011

I'm not proud of it but indecisiveness would be on the listof character traits that describe me.

Whether it's ordering food at a restaurant (unless I'm on a special diet likenow which makes it very simple and easy to order), deciding whether I shouldbuy a pair of shoes or big decisions like chemo or making a move to another city, I have never been great at making decisionsquickly and efficiently.

I thought I was through with the tough decisions when I decided to give thenatural remedies a go, but I was kidding myself because now it seems like THISis THE biggest decision I will have to make. With

God's humor probably not in my life time, but at least perhaps (hoping) forthis year :-)

The decision that's been haunting me (literally) is which alternative treatmentto take.

So far I have had two presented to me:

1. IVC (with mistle toe therapy)...IVC standing for Intravenous Vitamin C

2. Protocel

IVC would be our first choice if it weren't for the needles and the fact thatmy veins have all sclerosed. This means that in order to have my IVC's I wouldneed to put a port into my chest, a minor surgery, though temporarily livingwith it is not so minor in my opinion.

The surgery and the scarring are not what makes me hesitant, it's the hassleand partly my vanity (it's SUMMER!)

I've been lucky enough to have no symptoms and so I can live a fairly normallife, but this port would be a reminder day in and day out of something I wouldhave never thought I would have (twice!)

And then there's option two. Protocel is a drug that has not been 'FDA approveddue to politics that I'm not going to get into, so as a result since it is adrug by nature (it is made up of chemicals) but does not have any known side effectsit is on the market as a health supplement, though majority of patients thattake this use it for cancer. We've never heard of this drug before until DrChan introduced it to us. And at first it was as if it was God's gift to me,giving me assurance that natural is the way to go (for now) and that the issue withmy veins is actually a non-issue.

However, the more I think about it and read into it, the more I have my doubts.It does seem like a wonder drug, yet the naturopaths I've asked all around theworld haven't heard of it and the two doctors that did recommend it to me havenever administered it to any of their own patients!

Reading the research done on Protocel and the testimonials of the people thathave used it is so promising, but the thing that scares me the most is thatthere are a lot of supplements (mainly antioxidants) that I cannot take while I'm on this treatment. And thisis exactly what I have been relying on to keep my normal cells healthy and atthe very least to keep the cancer cells contained in the areas that they arealready ruling in.

Unfortunately, I still haven't reached a final conclusion about my treatmentsand I know a lot of you are worried about how much time I really have. It hasbeen two months and other than going to Vitamin C once a week, taking my supplements and changing my diet, I haven't reallycommitted to any real treatment plan.

Ka had been bold enough to tell me flat out that I've been procrastinating (thank you :-). When I don't feel sick it's easy for me to occupy myself with work,friends, family and the other great pleasures in life. I do think about it, butI don't want to.

I feel that I will be greatly disappointed if the treatment I take doesn't'work' and I feel that God hasn't explicitly told me which treatment to use(although I admit I haven't been asking Him very fervently). It's one of themost lonely times of this battle because I know no one can make this decisionfor me. One of my good girl friends did remind me that no matter which path Itake, if God decides to heal me, He will do it, period! And so I'm reallytrying to just trust in Him and believe that He can redeem my decision if it sohappens to be an incorrect one.

I've been riding an emotional roller coaster lately though just in my own mindand body. I go about my day in a normal state, typically happy, thoroughlyenjoying my work, excited to catch up with friends,

getting back into my yoga routine and cooking up some new healthy dishes butbehind all that I'm struggling with fear, loneliness and even anger (mainly at myself).

I know rest is important but I don't think I've ever truly rested. I'm the typeof person that will get bored lying on the beach even for just a few hours. Sowhen I'm asked to rest, I really don't know how. My body has been used to a 'go go go' type of environment, not just in Hong Kong but in Canada and in Beijing,the HK pace has just encouraged it.

So now I think I will try to make a decision in the next two weeks (or evenperhaps week and a half). I am already leaning towards IVC though I'm not ecstatic about the port but I will dedicate this and next week to praying more and asking God for the wisdom I will need to make the 'right decision'.

The resting bit may be a bit more difficult but I will make an effort to atleast slow things down.