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The Cancer Journey : Just Another Hurdle...Amazing Grace Amazing Love

Just Another Hurdle / Reposted from February 3, 2010

My hair is really starting to fall out now.

Call me shallow, call me stubborn, call me silly for stressing about such little things in comparison, but every time I see the clumps of hair in my hands I shed a little tear, something that even chemo could barely bring out in me.

It couldn’t have come at a worse time either. With my week of feeling like a superhuman it’s a harsh jab to my mental and emotional state. Despite now being able to walk long distances, stay out for long periods of time, carry heavier loads and just feel normal again, the hair on the floor, my hands and my clothes is a constant reminder that things are not normal, that the health I’m feeling now can and will fleet, that I’ll have to start relying on others again and to put it bluntly, that I have cancer.

I’ve always had a thing about changing hairstyles. Every few months or so I’d be bored of my hair and always wanted to change it. Ever since I cut it short a few years back I haven’t been able to grow it out again because of this sense of boredom which some believe to be audacity. Right before I left Beijing I made a commitment to grow it out, and I must say I’m proud of myself and my hair for coming such a long way! As I face having to chop it off again, I don’t have the same sense of excitement I used to when I would go sit in the chair and chat about all the possible hairstyles I could have with my stylist. This time I don’t want to go, I don’t want the change; infact I want anything but change. Shaving it all off may even be worse, though I’ve been told it’s liberating. At the end of it all, what has always been my way of expressing myself will now be a reminder to myself and the world that I’m living with this disease.

In any case, I will decide upon bob or buzz tomorrow. Amazing Grace Amazing Love / Reposted from February 5, 2010

On the eve before my second chemo I have a lot to be thankful for.

I intentionally decided to have a 'me' day today and opted not to go to any doctors appointments. Instead I spent the day having lunch with a friend and walked the streets with some visitors of Hong Kong before I went home for a nap and went off to celebrate a good friend's birthday.

As I mentally prepared myself for tomorrow's fight I realized that I have nothing to fear. With all the love and support from family and friends and with God standing beside me, I know that no matter what happens, I have already won this next fight.

I know this because as I felt emotionally and mentally drained when my hair fell out, I immediately found a slew of emails that filled my inbox the next morning, each email contained words of encouragement and love as well as reminders of God's promises for me.

I've been reminded that God' grace is sufficient enough for hair traumas and anything else life throws at me.

Thank you all for reaching out and hugging me! Thank you God for sending angels to comfort me.


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