The Cancer Journey : Listening for Lessons and Encouragement

Reposted from denisetam.webs.com February 28, 2010

All my life society has taught me that "if there's a will, there's a way." It starts off at school where you try your best to get good grades, so you can go to a good uni, which should lead to a good job and thus a good life. That's been the general life plan. So from a little kid, I've learned to trust in my own actions, because whether or not I have a good life in the future will depend on me. To an extent this still remains true, but these past few months have brought to light what I fear most -being out of control. No matter what I do, in regards to my health or other aspects in life, nothing is really ever certain. I began reflecting on this after I went in for my weekly blood test which is when Doc tells me my blood is perfect, I'm responding well to the chemo but then goes on to look me in the eye and explain that I'll need to go through maintenance treatment because my bone marrow was/is involved and the chance of it coming back is high. As he listed out my options the only questions that lingered in my mind were -"is any of this guaranteed and what's the probability of it coming back if I don't go through with maintenance" But I already knew that with my cancer, there isn't a cure and like in life, there is no guarantee. But unlike other things in life, being sick and having no guarantee with my health just isn't as easy to accept. Life isn't supposed to pan out like this, besides, I did what I was supposed to, to be healthy for at least another 20 years or so! True, the supplements and the ultra healthy lifestyle I've been living has helped me recover quickly from chemo, but the question now is, do I place my hope in the supplements? or the conventional medicine? Depending on your beliefs, one is safer and the other riskier. All of you know, that my family and I believe going the natural way is the safer option and conventional medicine being the riskier one. I am being healed by conventional medicine now, and am feeling great, but we don't know what other things will creep up on us in the future and since conventional medicine can't give me the security I need in order to outweight the risks then at the end of the day I could very well be making a bad investment. So! Once again, as expected, I am going through another wave of doubt on two issues, 1) whether I should continue with the full treatments and 2) whether I should do the maintenance treatment The voices that are pulling me in different directions are loud and copious and I'm really working hard to listen to God's voice and to trust in Him. My recent ponderings and quiet time with God has led me to realize (again) that no matter what road I take, good health is not guaranteed, the only thing I know for certain is God's love and God's goodness. During my quiet time I'm being reminded to place my hope in Him because, " He is all-sufficient, eternal, self-existent and unchangeable!" It hasn't necessarily been easy to do this, a lot of times I doubt Him and return to fear and it's been something like a tug of war between God and I, with God doing most of the tugging. Just the other day God tugged again at my heart as I read about His healing of the possessed boy in Mark 9 and the father's trust but distrust. In my previous readings of this story my reaction would more or less be of criticism to the father's unbelief, now I empathize wih him because I too believe but often times doubt. And again today, He spoke to me through Pastor Brett, encouraging me to press on, to wait upon Him despite how scared or disappointed I feel because His plan for me is good. I have had many of these momement of encouragement from Him and it's been truly amazing to experience His amazing love and listen to His promising words. My prayer above anything else is that I will continue to have faith and that He will be glorified through all this. Denise