The Cancer Journey : Perfect Love

Reposted from denisetam.webs.com August 11, 2011

Since my last entry, I’ve had some time, or rather I made time to quiet myself down and just spend some time not thinking about my circumstance or the big decision I am supposed to be making, but just reconnecting with myself, with God and with the relationship that we have. It turns out that my time with Him was exactly what Ineeded. He didn’t really tell me which path to take or reveal any special planHe has for me. Instead, He reminded me of His love and it is because I canclaim this love I should have nothing to fear. It was another one of those overwhelming sense of peace andjoy that I can’t explain nor reason. And somehow making such a big decision didn’t seem all that important, or rather it didn’t seem as daunting. I finally got the courage to make an appointment with asurgeon to learn more about this port that I would have to get if I went downthe route of IVC’s. Concerned about the scarring, the random tubes that may or may not hang out of my body, and just the mysteries of having a foreign ‘thing’put in my body paired with my character of just wanting (and sometimes needing) to know all the little details I undoubtedly had a slew of questions prepared in advance to fire at the surgeon knowing full well our appointment could very well last a whole 10 minutes, 15 if we were lucky (or if he was nice Thisdoctor however caught me by surprise when he began our consultation with chit chat and then managed to shake up my nerves a little when the chit chat turned into philosophical teachings on life. I admit to have been a little annoyed of the time it took for him to give his ‘sermon’ when I could have been asking my questions, but I stopped myself from having those negative thoughts when I found myself agreeing with a lot of his ‘teachings’, mainly his three main pillars of wisdom that he tries to apply in all areas of his life: 1)     Do your best 2)     But also learn to let go and let God (or in hiscase, Buddha?) 3)     Be thankful I’d like to think I have all these areas conquered but reality is that I have difficulty discerning how much is enough, when to let go and how to be thankful even though my heart isn’t. In the end, we definitely got our money’s worth as we received a great reminder of how to live life and I eventually had all my questions answered and felt at peace with all the answers I was given. My final decision was set in stone last night when I rang up Dr Chan (the surgeon, haha don’t you love how diverse Chinese last names are) and confirmed that I will be going through with having the port put in me. The surgery should only be a fairly quick one, though there is one part where he has to do it by feel, or in other words, blindly. There is also an element of being exposed to minor radiation when he will need to perform several x-rays to be sure the port and tubes are all nicely connected to my veins. Otherwise it’sa simple one that requires two slices to my chest, one near the crease where my chest meets the shoulder and the other just right above my breast which is also where the port will sit underneath my skin. Between the two slices is where Dr Chan will thread a tube from one crease to another and also somehow attach it to one of my main veins that links to my heart. There will be NO tubes hanging out (otherwise I don’t think I would have done it) and the visibility of the port protruding out from underneath my skin should only be slight. I will most likely be checking-in at the hospital (a hospital in Kowloon, don't even know which one haha) Sunday early evening and if all goes well I should be able to leave by Tuesday afternoon. I’ve already started planning for my mini-getaway (transferring moviesto the ipad, gathering books I’ve wanted to read and making a mental check listof must bring things (ear plugs!) I’m not TOO nervous about this surgery as long as I can’t feel a thing during it. I’m praying for veins so they can administer the anestheticsand that the healing of my wounds will be quick and painless as well as in time for the Natural Product Expo where I will be doing a cooking demonstration and moreimportantly in time for me to fly to Vancouver at the end of August for my goodfriend’s wedding where I will be a bridesmaid. I currently also have a little bit of a cold so I’m hoping this won’t affect the surgery or delay it ;and in general it would be nice to recover from this as well. There’s a lot to think about and to be worried about in the next week or so, but I’ve been meditating on this verse that has given me a lotof hope and strength to continue on. Perhaps it can be a source of comfort to you as well whether it be today, tomorrow or sometime in the future = ) 1 John 4:18 ‘There is no fear in love; but perfect lovecasts out fear, because fear involves torment.’  Love, Denise